When a second child appears in the family, parents have a hard time. A new member of the family requires a lot of attention, but the first-born is used to the fact that mom and dad love only him.
Of course, much depends on the nature of the child and his upbringing, some families easily survive this period. Parents still should not forget about the older child, so that he never felt unnecessary.
Even if parents understand the seriousness of the situation and try to distribute attention between the children, they also sometimes make mistakes. The fact is that many mothers and fathers do not attach much importance to words, and children perceive them as a kind of psychological attitude.
Each phrase spoken by parents affects the child's attitude. Therefore, before speaking, think about how your son or daughter will perceive your words.
This article will focus on phrases that should never be said to older children. If you want good for your child, remember them and never use them again.
10. I have no time, and here you are
A small child is time-consuming, but never show the first-born that you are "not up to it." He will not understand that mom says so because she is tired or does not manage to do anything. He will take these words at his own expense. The child will think that he has become superfluous, that he is no longer loved. He will begin to move away, jealous of you for the youngest child.
In a few years, you will be dealing with an uncontrollable teenager who no longer needs your love. Relations with a brother or sister for the rest of their lives will be tense.
9. You must be an example for a brother / sister
Many parents, without hesitation, repeat this phrase several times a day. With these words, mom is trying to solve many problems: poor behavior, low academic performance
. But the child does not have a desire to become an example in such a situation, on the contrary, he feels the whole burden of responsibility that his parents place on him. In most cases, older children live up to their parents' expectations, and set a good example for younger ones. But at what cost?
Having matured, your first-born will have problems with self-esteem. All the time it will seem to him what can be done better, he will strive for the ideal. This is not to say that this is bad, your child will be able to build a career, realize everything that he has in mind. But this is not very good, he will spend his whole life proving that he has become what his parents wanted.
8. Give in to the younger
Such a situation is not uncommon. When parents see that the youngest is reaching for the toy that the elder plays, they say: "Give it to him, he is little." Never do that. By your behavior, you show that the youngest child is much more important for you, belittling the significance of the interests of the first-born.
This will undoubtedly affect the self-esteem of the first child, he will consider himself a "second-class man." He will be offended by his younger brother / sister, by you, by the whole world. If you will often use this phrase, prepare for scandals and quarrels between children.
7. We did not plan you
Perhaps this phrase has the strongest effect on the psyche of the child. Parents admit that the first pregnancy is unplanned, unwanted. You may have discovered that you are pregnant two months after meeting your future husband.
Maybe pregnancy has become an obstacle to graduation or getting a good position. Many in this case choose an abortion, but there are those who leave the child.
If you recognize yourself in these situations, never tell the child this story. These words can cause severe psychological trauma. The child will feel unwanted, superfluous, unlike the younger children, whom they wanted and were waiting for.
6. Quickly got up / washed / tidied up
Parents usually cluck with a small child. Mom and dad talk to the elder as an adult, they can afford to give commands and instructions.
For a child, this behavior is incomprehensible. He is offended that the parents talk with the little brother / sister softly, and with him rudely and “in an adult way”. You do not notice, but such phrases humiliate the child. Treat all children the same way, not paying attention to their age.
5. You will drive me to the coffin
Mom repeats this phrase very often when she is upset. She needs to watch over the children, cook dinner, tidy up, wash. The youngest child is still lying quietly in the cradle, but the older one ... he runs, plays pranks, throws things away, poorly learns or refuses to go to kindergarten. The list can be continued for a long time, it all depends on the age of the child.
One way or another, mom is very upset, everything is not going as she intended. She says: “You’ll drive me to the grave.” The child is afraid that mom will die because of him. He is afraid of losing you, he feels guilty when you are ill. Guilty feelings will not go away even when the child grows up. Many children live with them for the rest of their lives.
4. You are the elder, you must help and look after the brother / sister
An older child very often hears such a phrase, even if the difference between the children is 3 years. And if the child is quite independent, he can generally forget about his childhood.
Many parents are not shy about shifting part of their worries about their second child to the first. Of course, this is partly correct. The first-born will grow up responsible, learn to take care. That's just it should be at will.
Do not force the child to "hang out" with his younger brother or sister if he does not want to. You gave birth to a second child for yourself, so you must cope on your own.
3. You can’t be entrusted with anything.
When mom does not have time, she may ask for the help of the older child. Of course, he does not always cope with the task. Did the child want to wash the plate and break it? Started mopping and spilling water? Nothing terrible happened. Calm down, count to 10 and help him deal with the problem. He himself is not happy that it happened.
If he could not complete the task, for sure, he had never done it before. Do not give your child too complex assignments. If you want to teach him how to do household chores, get ready for the fact that the first time you have to redo everything. Do it quietly and never criticize the child, on the contrary praise for the help provided.
2. Small, but much smarter than you
Such phrases of mothers and fathers can speak unconsciously. They just compare children, remember who, when he went to the potty, learned to read, write. If comparisons are often not in favor of the elder, he will worry.
Never say that the youngest child is smarter, quicker, more beautiful, more sociable. This is a strong blow to the psyche of the elder. He feels worthless, begins to be jealous and offended.
By the way, there are many such stories when matured children continue to compete which of them is better. In this case, there can be no talk of any kindred relationship. They will not become close people, but will compete “for a place in the sun” - for parental love.
1. You yourself asked to have a brother / sister
When a child constantly asks for a sister or brother, parents unwittingly think about the second child. Often they ask the firstborn for advice, and his approval gives them confidence.
Do not forget that this is a small child. He does not understand that it will not be easy. The older child wants to play with his brother or sister, spend time together, walk.
When the first problems arise, parents tell him: "You yourself wanted to." The child begins to feel guilty due to the situation. Parents seem to reproach him.
Exclude this phrase from your vocabulary if you do not want to educate a notorious person who will think that he is to blame for all universal problems.